I need to try and convince myself that today has not been a waste. I have written 1,000 words – albeit not very good words, I did write. And I have spent an hour or two – missing lunch in the process – reading up on other people’s writing routines: the majority of whom identify procrastination as their main drive. Apparently it can be a useful tool, allowing the subconcious (and sometimes the concious) mind to develop ideas into workable written narrative. So, in many ways, this was also not a waste of my time.
However, in all the reading I have done, the main theme is that of actual writing. I need to write. I have no idea what I am doing, but I do need to write. It doesn’t matter that I have no idea what I am doing, writing is the only solution to that. If I write, somewhere along the line, a sentence or a paragraph will make sense and that perhaps will provide me with a small step in the right direction. Even if I follow the wrong route to writing, at least I will be writing. Sometimes the most wonderous things can be seen on a journey you never intended to take.
I suppose I am not a very patient person. But writing requires patience. I can not conquer this in a day. All I can do is try my best to write, write when I can, and know that this can only bring me closer to the desire to be a writer. All I want to be able to do is write, but there is nothing stopping me from achieving this. I have not discerned the quality of the writer I want to be – surely even a bad writer is better than a writer who writes not at all. The words will only bring me closer to the truth that I am searching for – they will help me clarify and sift through my desires so that I can learn from the writing I am doing and identify that seed of creation I know is within me.
First though, I need some food. I haven’t even had a drink since this morning. I was lost in the haze, and on emerging I need sustenance – and then maybe, procrastination put aside, I might be able to move forward, even if only fractionally. Patience will have to be learned, and in the meantime what I can do, is write.