Past, Present and Future Selves…

Do you ever look back on the person you once were and acknowledge just how far you’ve come?

Three years ago if my laptop had died on me in the middle of a job application I would have reacted with frustration and fury, and riled against the world and how unfairly it treated me – confessions of a egocentric child-woman anyone? Now, I can take a breath, shrug my shoulders and walk away.

In the past I would have worked endlessly to put my application back together, even though I knew the job was beyond my current skillset. I would have let everyone know the inconvenience this situation had caused and how dedicated I would have to be to overcome it. I would have pushed through my exhaustion and stress and succeeded in putting together an admirable application, given the circumstances.

Then, I would have crashed. Probably been in bed for a week or more and not even got an interview for my troubles. And I would have regretted the attempt, because the job to which I refer is such a big, lofty dream role that, even now, I am not sure I am ready for it.

Today, I see this calamity as an opportunity to step back and accept that I prefer to be relaxed and happy rather than furious and stressed. While there is a smidge of disappointment I will not apply for the job after all (because I can now recognise it is too much work to scramble together in two-days), I am not so disappointed that I will be forced into action. Any responses I put forward would not be my best, and I’m aware that the probability of me getting the job in the first place is slim. So I’m choosing acceptance over panic.

This job is a job for me in five years. I already know that. It’s an amazing role, but one that I would be too unsure about my current skillset to really excel at. I don’t feel it’s defeatist to admit this, but I’m taking the laptop meltdown as a sign that it’s not my time yet. The me of five years from now would do the same, and she would approve of my choice to put my wellbeing first and instead enjoy the freedom that comes with relaxation and calm acceptance.

What weekends should be for – enjoying sunshine, walking and dog-shaped company.

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